O'Neill Public Schools

How glorious is it-

and also how painful-

to be an exception

                                                         ~Alfred de Musset

There is considerable focus on gifted students’ academic abilities; however, it is important not to overlook their social and emotional needs.  Gifted students accomplish developmental milestones on a different schedule from their chronological age peers.  They can be on a different level emotionally, cognitively, and/or socially.  In the article, “Giftedness as Asynchronous Development” (1994), Stephanie Tolan states that the young gifted child may appear many ages at once.  “He may be eight (his chronological age) when riding a bicycle, twelve when playing chess, fifteen when studying algebra, ten when collecting fossils and two when asked to share his chocolate chip cookie with his sister.  This variability in behavior and perception is difficult for parents and schools to handle and difficult for the child as well.  It is hard to ‘fit in’ consistently when so much of the child’s environment is structure by chronological age, an age which may be for the gifted child the least relevant aspect of his development.”  

Typical problems gifted students may face in social and emotional adjustments:

- Anxiety due to advanced knowledge or understanding.

- Heightened sensitivity to feelings of others.

- Avoidance of risk-taking out of fear that they will fail.

- Insecurity due to feeling different.

- Feelings of being alone and isolated.

- Negative peer judgments.

                                                Coleman

                                                1996

Linda Silverman (1993) has developed this list of interrelated intellectual and personality characteristics of giftedness.

Intellectual Characteristics             Personality Characteristics

Exceptional reasoning ability             Insightfulness

Intellectual curiosity                            Need to understand

Rapid learning rate                             Need for mental stimulation

Facility with abstraction                      Perfectionism

Complex thought processes             Need for precision/logic

Vivid imagination                                Excellent sense of humor

Early moral concern                           Sensitivity/empathy

Passion for learning                           Intensity

  With these characteristics in mind, Linda Silverman (1987) lists specific problems to watch out for.  These problems can be external or internal.

- Difficulty with social relationships

- Refusal to do routine, repetitive assignments

- Inappropriate criticism of others

- Lack of awareness of impact on others

- Depression (often manifested in boredom)

- High levels of anxiety

- Difficulty accepting criticism

- Hiding talents to fit with peers

- Nonconformity and resistance to authority

- Excessive competitiveness

- Isolation from peers

- Low frustration tolerance

- Poor study habits

- Difficulty in selecting among a diversity of interests

Emotional development

Gifted people often have a heightened emotional awareness and sensitivity.  It can be described as an intensity of feeling.  People who are highly developed emotionally may have a strong affective memory, empathy toward others, difficulty adjusting to new environments, loneliness, and complex emotions and feeling.  Their feeling toward self is one of self-evaluation and self-judgment.  They may have feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.  Some people are surprised to hear that a gifted child could have a low self-esteem.  A common myth is that gifted people to have it all, when in reality, gifted people can be quite hard on themselves because of their emotional awareness.  In some cases, gifted children’s excessive self-criticism and stress to be the best can lead to depression. 

Perfectionism

A gifted child who cannot write the stories she imagines because her intellectual ability far exceeds her motor ability may become very frustrated.  Many gifted students strive for perfection.  This can be healthy, but in some cases it can be detrimental to the child.  In Keys to Parenting the Gifted Child, Sylvia Rimm states, “Perfectionism goes beyond excellence: it leaves no room for error.  The outcome must be the best.”  The following descriptors show some of the differences. 

Excellence Seekers                 Perfectionists

Self-accepting                           Self-absorbed

Set goals & standards-             Demand higher level

     strength/weaknesses                  of performance

Focus on strengths                   Focus on deficiencies

Try new ventures,                     Avoid new experiences

     take risks                                                & rarely take risks

Relaxed & careful                     Tense & deliberate

Open to direction &                  Take criticism as

     Constructive criticism               personal attack

Sense of satisfaction                 Little satisfaction

Lead balanced lives                   Single-minded

Elliot, A. & Meltsner, S. (1991).  The Perfectionist Predicament.

Social development

It may be difficult for gifted children to find friends.  As Carol A. Strip explains in Helping Gifted Children to Soar (2000), “Their mentors may be considerably older and busy with their own lives, their age-mates may be too immature, and their intellectual peers may consider the younger gifted child an inappropriate or unsuitable friend.”  It is important for all children to develop socially and we need to be aware if students seem lonely or depressed, but we should not push our standards of social behavior on gifted children.  For example, Kevin is a highly gifted child who gets along with others, but does not have many close age peers.  His closest friend is his older brother.  Some comment on how awful it is that Kevin does not hang out with his chronological age peers because he is more interested in learning or working on projects.  After discussing this with Kevin, he pointed out that he is happy at school and gets along with many people.  He does not feel a need to have 20 close friends or attend lots of social events to fit in with his peers; he is pleased with his life as it is.   

Gender

Gender plays a role in how gifted students perceive themselves and who they will ultimately become.

Females face many dilemmas when developing their talents:

- The need to put others first

- Importance of relationships

- Lack of support from others

- Expectations and stereotypes

- Absence of belief in self

Society historically has put females in the role of taking care of others.  This leads to females believing they must put others first and develop relationships.  In the mean time, they put their own talent development on the back burner.  In Work Left Undone (1998), Sally Reis points out that
many women put their careers on hold between the ages of 25-35.  It is at this time when most careers escalate and predict lifetime earnings.  When females do choose to develop their talent, others may not support them because of expectations and stereotypes of the roles of females.   In Linda Silverman’s book Counseling the Gifted & Talented she describes, “In some cases, girls have purposely made mistakes or refused to answer questions so that they would not be identified gifted.  Girls intuit the societal message early that it is smart not to be too smart – especially if you are a girl.”  In a study conducted by the American Association of University Women, it was found that as girls get older, their self-esteem drops dramatically.  Enthusiastic and assertive at age 8 and 9, they begin to loose confidence in their abilities at age 13 and 14. 

William Pollack states in his book Real Boys (1998), that “the same kind of shame that silences girls from expressing their true voice as adolescents takes its inhibiting and self-suppressing toll on their brothers at a much earlier age.  And while girls may be shame-sensitive, boys are shame-phobic: they are exquisitely yet unconsciously attuned to any signal of ‘loss of face’ and will do just about whatever it takes to avoid shame.”

  Gifted boys have a greater capacity for emotional depth, self-awareness, and expressivity than other boys.  This can be overshadowed by society’s expectations to be masculine.  Boys need assistance in viewing their unique characteristics as functional, adaptive tools to help them make sense of their experiences in this world.

How can others help?

- Be supportive of talent development

- Discuss aspirations

- Plan early

- Talk with girls and boys about stereotypes

Parents help their gifted child when they…

- View giftedness as positive

- Be responsible for emotional development

Help child develop balance between pride in skills and appreciation of all people

          Help child deal with perfectionism

          Help child learn to understand mix of feelings (can be extreme)

- Recognize child is a wide mix of child and adult

- Help develop sensible TV viewing habits

- Allow responsibility appropriate to ability

- Provide safe, accepting home environment

          Value individuality

          Show approval for successes, acceptance when fail

          Guard against perfectionism in child, selves, school

          Help develop realistic goal-setting

          Develop responsibility through appropriate choices and decisions

          Provide unconditional love (be sure child knows)

          Enjoy childhood

Advice for Parents

Parents and teachers can help gifted students understand themselves socially and emotionally by helping them to relate to others.  Bibliotherapy and video-therapy have proven to be effective.  By reading a story or watching a video similar to their own lives, children are able to experience and deal with an issue objectively, which they can then apply to their own problems or issues.  For specific information on what books or videos would help your child better understand him/herself, please visit with Mrs. Bauer.

Resources

On the Social and Emotional Lives of Gifted Children by Tracy L. Cross

Prufrock Press, 2001

Perfectionism: What’s Bad About Being Too Good? By Miriam Adderholdt and Jan Goldberg

Free Spirit Publishing, 1999

Smart Girls by Barbara A. Kerr

Gifted Psychology Press, 1994

Work Left Undone: Choices & Compromises of Talented Females

 by Sally M. Reis

Creative Learning Press, 1998

Smart Boys by Barbara A. Kerr & Sanford J. Cohn

Great Potential Press, 2001

Real Boys by William Pollack

Henry Holt and Company, LLC, 1998

  A          Afraid, that at some point in time I’ll slop and do something wrong and everyone will notice.

G          Guilty, when pressured into not doing my best.

I          Isolated, when others make me feel left out of, “the group.”

F          Frustrated, when I do something great and everyone laughs.

T          Terrified, when I don’t know the answer and everyone stares stares at me.

E          Excited, when I create something that everyone appreciates.

D          Disgusted, that my special needs are neglected.

P          Privileged, when I get extra time during school to do something for myself.

E          Embarrassed, when the teacher announces my grades.

R          Relieved, when people don’t laugh at me for getting less than 100%.

S          Satisfied, when I am able to help someone else with something they don’t understand.

O      On top of the world, when somebody says they enjoyed my work.

N          Nervous, when pressured to always be the best.

  Girl 12, Penn.

Delisle, J. R. (1984).  Gifted Kids Speak Out.  Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit.

Questions or comments, please contact Jennifer Selting Bauer at jbauer@esu8.org .

Pages last updated on: 12/16/2005